Let Me Disappear...

I have had 2 weekends of pure indulging - lounging around, reading, eating, doing a lot of nothing.  When I do that, it really gets me relaxed, but it also gets me thinking.  The first Saturday that I did that, the sermon at church was about ‘taking God’s destiny for your life' – about plans, and how dreams don’t just appear one day by surprise. Kind of like a baby – it doesn’t just pop out “Surprise!!”  it gets made.. nurtured….it grows slowly (and then birthed in pain, agony and tears - but then they tell me.. joy comes :).

You have to make a plan and take a road, commit in faith and start walking.    And it had me thinking.  I had been doing that with passion and with purpose.. --> up to a point.  And then finding myself on the other side of my Greencard, I realized, I had fallen asleep on the side of my road.

Have you ever dozed off for a few minutes and then woken up not even knowing where you are for a few minutes?  You know that dazed state of confusion just before the clarity.  If you know me, or have ever read my blog, you will know that I am a firecracker with a lot of dreams and no time to waste.  Well, in essence, I think that chick is fast asleep these days.  The problem with having dreams and having them all fulfilled to the max and more at a young age is, what happens when it’s done by age 35?  Then what?

I was talking to my life coach the other day, and I was telling him this story about how, maybe now is the time for me to have that “regular” kind of life just until I can think of "new dreams" I want (other than travelling the world and helping people)…  And he said something that kinda stopped me in my tracks.  He said: “Delise, if you have already fulfilled EVERY dream you HAVE ever had, then you didn’t dream big enough in the first place.. how can someone with so much passion have nothing HUGE to reach for?”  And I realized through our 3 hour conversation and all of my reasoning that it’s not that I don’t have dreams, goals or desires.. I am just at that crossroad..  fallen asleep on the side of the road… Perhaps.

The reason I entitled this blog: “let me disappear” is because I have come to the conclusion that I am standing in my own way.  The struggles I have had in the past 2 years with my Greencard and my health (and the myriad of other excuses) have rendered me passive and thus convinced me that I now need to eat, work, sleep, have a little fun and laughter here and there and be happy with just THAT, because after all isn’t that what the vast majority of humanity does? 

That self that has taken over the firecracker needs to leave the building. 

The trouble is, major setbacks are really hard to just bounce back from – and I found that over time (be it age or realization) it gets harder.   I read the memoirs of Ashley Judd “All that is bitter and sweet”… I cried probably for 4 days.. her book is so passionate, aggressively, fiercely, furiously and harshly passionate.  How she cares for hurting people. How she was drowning in her own despair and loneliness at the same time..  parts of her book made me want to just up and leave my life and go be a Mother Theresa in a 3rd world country .. a lot of those sections made me loathe my luxurious existence and I was moved at the plight of the poor and hurting - feeling inadequate and guilty for not doing enough.  The other half of the book made me realize there is humanity in us all.  Demons, struggles, weaknesses, fears and failures.  Her courage to share hers so openly gave me some of my own to share mine.

I have spoken plenty in the past about the lack of really true friendships I have gained in the USA – and all the reasons for them – when I was in a pit of dispair and heart wrenched recently, my friends in South Africa stepped up to the plate and pulled me out of my despair with encouragement, tough love, embracing me, crying with me and pouring out on me love and humility.   That’s what true friendship is.   I was so grateful and so touched that no matter the distance, those who love you, will love you in action. 

However, one needs people in your physical inner circle, too. And I guess the majority of the reason that I find myself in this precarious place, is my own choosing.  I felt like I had slipped through a tiny crack and just can’t get myself all the way in or all the way out.  Have you watched the movie : “127 Hours”?  The one where James Franco is stuck in the Grand Canyon.. and how when he finally realizes no one and nothing can help him out – he would either die there or die trying to get out.. and if you recall the sheer brutality, inhumanity, undignified things he had to do in order to be free.. the possibility of life drove him to do things that no human in regular mind would fathom… I thought about it this week again in tears.

I need to get a little undignified in my heart towards the mediocrity that has overtaken me.. and I need to disappear.. and re-emerge..

                                                                         .......with fire.

Fire and Ice – Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

Long Beach..

Well, I took 2 days off from work. Whenever I do this, my boss acts as if I am never coming back: Resultant in me leaving the end of the day in a stressed huff... Nevertheless.. 6 hours drive and I was in Long Beach.  Stayed at some Friends in OC and got all caught up.  The Friday was pouring with rain, I got to the track drenched, muscles aching and feeling miserable.  I waited for about 2 hours to dry off and decided to just see what was happening and enjoy the day... the day turned out fabulous. I met all those hunky drivers and got some autographs.  The next two days were a blast..

I ended up meeting cool people and getting to check out the pits and be a flag girl. It was all about fast cars, exciting racing, meeting celebrities and having alot of laughs.. I managed to eat pretty healthy and walk ALOT and spend some $$ on Ferarri stuff :) All the wonderful things I love in this life.

Who knew I would meet someone that would become my inspiration, my spiritual sister and a woman I endeavour to one day emulate in some ways.. Ashley Judd. what an inspiration you are to me.

..Old emails...

Firstly, I must say being at the Dream Center has completely just challenged me - I started a drive this weekend with our Church to collect supplies for kids who are leaving the foster care system.  It's been very exciting and just knowing what a difference it will make to a young person, gives me endless joy!


Ok - so today I decided to clear out all my emails and I found some old archived emails and read through some of them.  Some made me laugh.  Isn't it funny how people say things and in those moments they sound so important and then years later, you realize they were just being utterly foolish (I am sure if they had to re-read their own words, they would be embrassed!) - I guess the same can be said of all of us - I read some of the fiery emails I have sent or some of the lame ones.. haha


People think they know you.. and sometimes they mouth off about their knowlegde of you, judge you and blame you.. and then years later - well, all I can say is.. look at where they are.. your life will always speak for what is true :)


My desultory ramblings for the day.

6 year Anniversary

Wow – is it really?? Today exactly 6 years ago I landed on American soil.  What was meant to be a 1 year adventure, turned into a 6 year saga!!

 So many adventures ßà so many trials. But what a journey!

What is crazy is – I have been blogging for 6 years as well!! I wonder if I am the record holder for 6 years of consistent blogging.. hmmm. I think last year I had the longest hiatus from my blog which lasted about 5 months.  Other than that, I have been rocking it for 6 years!

All I can think of today is how blessed I have been.  In South Africa in some ways my life was simpler – definitely more filled with friendships and family.  But in America, life is easier from a material point of view.    All my high school friends will attest to the fact that I talked ad nauseum all through high school about me living in America someday – have you ever come face to face with your dream and wondered: “what now?”  
But here I am. 
Loving it.

The Land of Opportunity

Yesterday I took my fancy new camera to the “Dream Center” in downtown Phoenix.  A local radio station was doing a volunteer run, packing kits for girls who have been rescued from Human Trafficking.  Ever since I heard what a huge problem it is here in Phoenix, I started getting the desire to be involved.  To be involved is just amazing – there is just so much work to be done, the need is great and to see these girls rehabilitated just makes my heart glad.  I can’t rid the world of every injustice much as it infuriates me, like a lot of you.. But I can do what I can do.  It was great – I talked to a few people and didn’t take pictures because there was just no time – I was more interested in being there than snapping it.  Next time!

It is so strange integrating yourself into a new culture. A lot of people hold on with vehement tenacity to their culture, and some just let it go for ease of integration.  Me, on the other hand, I have held on to a lot.  I don’t go to South African functions, eat only South African food etc.. but I do try to find bits and pieces of home.  The parts of my culture that I hold on to is how I was brought up.  The manners, the lessons and the truths I was taught.  Other than a few “isms” I haven’t really adopted a lot of American culture / way of speaking. Sometimes at the office I will change a word in order for people to understand me better.   The sense of humor here is the biggest difference.  Everything is taken very literally – so one has to be careful!

So an “American Story” Continues. Will I live here forever? Perhaps not.. maybe another 8 years then maybe it will be time for Europe. Who knows!

Life’s adventure continues.

Happy Anniversary to me and America for having me!

In Other news..

My Turtle is getting way too big for his tank... and I haven't gotten up the courage to spend $150 on a new Tank (much less deciding where to put it) So, I let him have a swim in the bath :D  funny - he didnt like it much.  (Those things that look like droppings are actuallys pebbles..)
and
YES! I cleaned the bath quite thoroughly after! heehee


aww BIG T!

My .. March .. Madness...

I exited February with an amazing explorative weekend to The Mission Inn. It was refreshing and healing in many ways. I just needed to marvel at something.  One does not realize how frustrating being ill can be until you are there and healing just seems so far from you.  I relaxed that weekend, smiled and had a good time.   As I was about to board the plane homeward bound, I started getting one of those annoying eye-twitches.  I thought nothing of it, as you do, and went on my way ready to face work, the world and everything that comes along.  But I was not ready for what came…

The 3 weeks that followed were absolute hell.  I started getting muscle cramps and spasms, so bad in my face and body that I could not sleep or function, I sat  on Google day in and day out trying to “diagnose” myself – which made everything worse.. My hair started falling out, got blisters on my mouth that would not heal for 15 days – everything just seemed SO out of the blue crazy. I cried, I went to back to my dr. twice, stressed, frustrated and sleep deprived.. All my tests were “normal”. I even went for a brain scan! Everything came back “normal”.  After another week, I returned to my Dr.  That day he looked me squarely in the eye and said: “Delise you need to stop your stressing. You are a young, healthy woman, you have NO diseases there is NOTHING wrong with you! You are so stressed out and you need to get on with life and relax”. (That is the short version!)  I went away feeling rather annoyed and also a little gobsmacked.  Was he right?  I wasn’t sure – I wasn’t “consciously” stressed out.   I just knew how I felt and that this wasn’t “NORMAL”.   That Saturday I went to see a holistic medical specialist.  He took one look at me and said: “Your digestion is causing your body not to hold onto nutrition and that is why everything is off balance” – he did acupuncture on me and gave me some stomach herbs.  Also suggested a few relaxation techniques.  I prayed that night – I went to church as usual…

Backing up for a second:

The Acupuncture

So, the man stuck these tiny needles in my body and played some calming music.   He felt my pulse and told me my body is way out of balance, my heat impulses are out of control (whatever that means) It was strange.. Sensations ran through my body and I could feel my body fighting to relax.   But, I closed my eyes and just tried to not pee in my pants (I had forgotten to go the bathroom beforehand!)  Hours passed (well 20minutes actually!)  The dr. came back & we spoke; he gave me a game plan for the next week and sent me on my way. I felt encouraged.

When I got home – it felt like I had taken a sedative. I was fatigued, sleepy like I have never been before. I went to sleep after church – actually.. now that I think about it à did I sleep in  church?? Oh no – I don’t think I did. LOL.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling SO refreshed. All the spasms were gone for the moment. I looked in the mirror and I saw myself again.  You have to understand – weeks prior all I saw was someone fading away – a shadow of what I recognized as me.  My eyebrows were falling out, hair falling out.. and it was a dark, scary place.  A lot of it was more mental than anything else. But it was my reality.

That Sunday, I felt great for the first time in a month! 

I then went for a B12 shot to help my body get the nutrition it needed while my stomach started to heal and changed my diet, kept a food journal.  When I took my blood tests to the guru guy the following week, he said I should have been on thyroid medication, my regular doctor told me I was in the “normal” range. This dr. says I am WAY over the normal range (hmmm…)!  I haven’t yet started taking the meds, I am giving my body a chance to just rest, heal etc.

Well, by that assessment I had a week of great sleep and a week of feeling so energized and amazing that I didn’t want to go on medication!  But I know the road is still long.. I understand that my body needs to heal and balance..  And I went for another session of acupuncture.

All I can say is.. I have come to realize that there is nothing more important on earth than these 3 things:

Faith, Love and your health.  Really – if you don’t have those.. nothing matters.. NOTHING.

Maybe my body just needed the time, maybe my mind caused it all to happen.. maybe the relaxation helped and maybe it’s a combination of it all.

All I know is – I reached UP and God reached down (albeit unconventionally – some might question) – but whatever people’s opinion might be after reading this:

The HEALER ---> and the <---- hurt  Collided somewhere in this story..

and here I am.

On the road to WHOLENESS after a long suffering journey.

The Mission Inn

I took off for the weekend to California, Riverside to be exact.  After 2 weeks of battling with my health, I just needed a "time-out" - A place to relax, to marvel at something new and to pamper myself.

The weekend was more than I expected, it was like being in a  tucked away village in Spain, far from every day life..  I ate great food, and there was just so much to explore and see, my senses were awakened..

And I felt alive again.

Isn't it funny what being sick does to you? It takes away that feeling of really tasting life with all of yourself. 

I feel better and I am on my way to being as fit and healthy as I can be so that I can continue  this amazing journey that life has me on.

The ugly Orgasm Story - Afternoon levity Und Valentine’s Day crap ;)

Have you ever watched someone win the lottery on TV, have their heart broken or had an insane [albeit it faked out] TV orgasm?.. it’s that ugly cry.. Ugly, elated face you make when you just don’t care who is watching!  Imbuing the onerous task on myself of being involved in my world and all its details, I had the proverbial “ugly elated cry /orgasm” face when I got a phone call from the MOST unexpected person on the planet.  I am not telling ANY of you who it is ;)  but it was like all the blood vessels in my face and my body shut down my “be cool”.   The giggles just started and I tried to sound intelligent, but all that came out àof what I can remember (you know being mentally shut down and all) ß was uh.. huh.. eerrrrr yeah.. LMAO. It was great – it was that happiness that comes from your liver.

So, when I was about 15 / 16 – I got home one day and there were hoards of flowers, gifts etc. on my mother’s front stoop.  I was like “what the”?? And it was a bunch of Valentine’s Day gifts and cards from random guys and my mom thought it funny to just leave it there till I got home – kinda like a memorial of something.   The weirdest gift was this sterling silver necklace and the pendant was a marijuana leaf.  I still have the card – ha ha..  Oh to be in school on Valentine’s Day – what absolute torture. I am not sure which was worse, the fear of getting nothing or the fear of getting something from that weird guy with the glass eye!  I must admit I never had the ugly cry/ ugly orgasm face on Valentine’s day – partly because even as a youngster, I never had much interest in it. I have always been a hopeless romantic and a passionate person for every kind of love in every kind of form.. but Valentine’s day seems to always ruin the idea for me.

So, this one time (not in band-camp ;) ), I was crushing big time on Shaheed (yes, at this age you don’t care about naming names! LOL)  It was Valentine’s day we were in the same class (I can’t remember the reason the Matrics (12^th grade) where in the same class as us – I was in standard 8 (10^th grade) and it was freezing.. he offered me his blazer which,  ofcourse. I coyly accepted.  We didn’t have much to do in class so I was writing in my diary and chatting to friends.  When the bell rang I handed back his blazer and he shot me the cute smile.. which was now on my mind all day – ** start of ugly orgasm face** As I was just about to board the bus to go home at the end of the day – I feel this tap on my shoulder and there it is.. the smile.  **insert Billy Ocean music here** And my heart starts racing. So he says: “you forgot your diary in my Blazer pocket.” I was embarrassed, hoping he didn’t read it.  Sitting on the bus with freak-smile-on-face – so I get home and just as I flip open my diary about to write:  “I heart Shaheed”.. I see he DID flip through my diary and he wrote a note on a blank page:  “thanks for the compliment… you are cute”.  Embarrassed, a little annoyed at his forwardness but went to sleep with ugly orgasm butterflies..  HA HA.

Happy Valentine’s Day people!