Catching up. Phew, where do I begin....

I will work backwards. I haven't edited this since 2020, so I will leave it to read in "Real-Time" and work on it from there.

August, 17th, 2020

Today marks almost 2 weeks since I was hit by a car... I am in the process of recovery and honestly this post in itself is very hard to process and write about... 

We are in the midst of unprecedented weirdness on this planet. January started off so well.  Following months of family struggle with a runaway teen .. I quit my job with Cintana for no other reason, than I just didn't feel that feeling of belonging. I found a job at Iron Mountain.. back at the "new" IO - I guess the "old" place with all the familiar faces felt like a homecoming, I was so happy. I was also nervous as the events of the last year had shaken my confidence quite a bit.

The job started and It was tough, but I knew I was in the right place, so my smile slowly started returning...

March 2020 - COVID hit, and we all started working from home. People were running around the stores grabbing all the noodles and toilet paper in sight, it was disgusting.  COVID brought with it, all of us at home.. all-the-time.. but  This situation brought such healing to our family and happiness returned to my life. It was at the tail-end of Azalea's running away and being stuck at home actually knit us together again as a family.

It was a warm spring day - as COVID had us all scrambling to do a lot of nothing. I started walking every day in the April Arizona Sun - which is always just the perfect temperature . with Airpods in ear, listening to Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Sturridge narrate their play: "Seawall / A life" I would smile at strangers, while my mind was in the play. I felt like I was a part of it, a group of friends telling a story together. I took a call or two and sent a voice note or too. I felt alive. 

That morning, May 17th 2020 at 8am,  I took a picture of a little bird nest on my way back home with Starbucks cup in hand. Played a little Pokemon. I was elated and energized with life. Was life perfect? - no. But I was starting on a personal journey to lose the 15lbs I had gained, and I wanted to walk about 8 miles everyday to get started:

I stopped at the crosswalk on Thomas and Power road, like I do everyday.  With phone in hand, just after listening to an inspiring voice note from my friend, Sharlene, I pushed the pedestrian light and waited. 

It turned green for me - I looked both ways as my mamma taught me,  an proceeded to cross. I decided to put my phone in the pouch I had around my waist, so I could enjoy the last stretch of my walk looking at my surroundings, as I opened my pouch and put my phone inside, I felt a bang. I didn't know what had happened, in my mind I thought, Did I walk into a pole? did I trip and fall? Everything went black.

When I came to, I was so fuzzy headed, there was a man standing over me asking me if I could get up. I kind of tried, but my whole body felt stiff. I looked around and there were cars on all sides of me, and a lot of people talking. 

The police officer who was on the scene crouched down and asked me for my name and insurance information, thankfully I always have that information on me. For some reason I started to cry. I felt a pain in my left shoulder and everything on my left side was stiff, stuck in place. i started to panic and asked people for me phone. The grey -haired man found it underneath the car that had hit me. The police officer asked if I could get up and I told him that I could not move. I started feeling hysterical and started crying. I  tried calling Robert - I called twice, it went to voicemail.

Side note: (Robert said he had answered the phone both times and I didn't say anything, and kept just hanging up, but he heard a lot of noise and commotion and knew something was wrong).

I finally got a hold of him and told him where I was and what had happened.  He came on the scene within about 10 minutes. As I saw him walk up to me through the crowd, I broke down and started crying hysterically, telling him not to touch me, my whole body started hurting, I touched my head where it hurt and my hand was full of blood. The police officer told us the Fire Department EMT was on their way shortly and proceeded to talk with the police officer. I could feel the sun burning down on my face. Within what felt to me like a few minutes, the EMT was there and I think I passed out again for a minute, I closed my eyes and I could feel the EMT asking me a few questions. They put a neck support on me and rolled me onto the spinal board and hoisted me up in to the Ambulance. It was red.

Inside the ambulance, they were frantically cutting off my clothing while asking questions. everything to me seems quiet, but yet frantic.  I mumbled and talked a lot - I have no idea what I was saying. All of a sudden a there were these bright lights. it ), as quiet except for the medics talking to each other. I heard one say: "damn, we will have to wait in the hall to get cleared due to COVID". Another said:" I think her shoulder is broken, we need to get to x-ray".  Then we started moving again. I opened my eyes and closed them again a few times. One guy who sounded amusingly like "Mommy-says" from TikTok (you will need to go look him up, its hilarious. Said to me: "Sweetie, we are taking you to X-ray, do you know what happened?" I told him an old lady hit me with her car, his response was: 'oh my God, that sucks, well, we put your fanny pack in a safe place honey and we will take you to X-ray"- To which I replied: "it is not a fanny pack, it is a dog-training pouch" - he said: "did you have your doggie with you?" - me: "no". He replied with a slight snide chuckle:" Then it's a fanny pack darling" - i smiled. Every thing hurt. I assumed I was already pumped full of morphine, because I started to feel nothing and then I went to sleep. I could kind of feel then turning, moving and shifting from all places until eventually everything was calm. I opened my eyes and I was in a bed between two hospital curtains, on drips.

My Horrific Hospital Experience and Banner Hospital

When I was properly conscious but in no pain at all, the police officer was standing beside me, trying to tell me that the old lady is just beside herself with worry and that I should probably not sue her, since I was on my phone.. I told the officer, he needed to talk to my husband. My husband was not allowed at the hospital due to COVID policies. While this was happening, a nurse and two other people were putting staples in my head. Once all the commotion was over, it was dead quiet. I could hear the medic staff talking. but nothing else. I was the only person there.

After about an hour, I needed to pee, and called out .. no one came for at least 15 minutes, I had only a gown on - they had removed all my clothing.  Eventually the nurse came in and said: "what?" I said: " I really need to pee" she brought a bed pan and handed it to me and when I told her, I cant move, she rolled her eyes and said, well you have no broken bones and you can't stay here because of COVID, You will be leaving within an hour. She shoved the bed-pan underneath me and stood there staring at me.  I tried to relieve myself even though my bladder was full, it was painful. She asked me twice: "are you done" - eventually after what felt like a humiliating eternity, I was done and she pulled the bed pan from underneath me, pee drops everywhere. 

Another nurse came in and said, ok how do you feel. I said "well not great" _ went in and out of consciousness, I was s drugged up. they handed me my phone and said call your husband he needs to pick you up in an hour.  I called him and he was shocked and said he was on his way.  However, they immediately brought a wheelchair, barely helped me get in it, and wheeled me outside the front of the Emergency room pick up area.  It was May, It was about 2pm. It was hot. I sat in the wheel chair, head bobbing from side to side, from being on morphine, with a bag of pills, a discharge sheet, in a barely covering hospital gown, in the hot sun. It took my husband and kids about 30 minutes to get to me and my husband was not only horrified at how they had left me, he was beyond angry.

The rest of the recovery story I will fast forward through. it was horrific, painful, humiliating, and soul crushing for many-many reasons.

That accident, for two years of my life set me back in ways I cannot even begin to explain, physically and psychologically. I gained 25lbs and became what I would later jokingly term a "low-key"_ alcoholic.

However, the rest of COVID into 2021 and beyond has a lot of happy stories too. I will share those and the horror ones in weeks to come, as I finally sit here again in my kitchen able to get words out of me head into my Blog.

I love you all.

I have missed you, but for what its worth.. I am baaaaaack bitches!!!

2020

This year has taken its toll on me in every way possible.

I am at the cusp of another year. You all know me... I begin and end every year with something. There is so much to say.

I have known pain.. but never knew the pain of rejection could hurt so much and call every part of my soul to order.

When I lost the job I loved, it hurt. But I navigated and found a new job really quickly.  It took time to process. It was a first for me.

When I encountered the pain of rejection from a someone whom I  cared  so deeply for,  loved as my own. Given my whole heart, my resources, my life basically..  It took my breath away and a part of my heart when she proverbially kicked sand in my face.


Now, it is time to move on. I will be raw in this post.

I gave myself away to everyone in my life. With that went my beauty and my health. I am not vain to think I didn't just age naturally. But I allowed life and the stress of my life to just cause me to eat and drink and not take care of myself. You do that for a year.. and this is what you have....

But I am ready now. I am ready to face myself. I spoke with God abundantly. ...

And together we are defeating this me that has taken over. With the hard work. Yep. Not the easy stuff, not the fads and the crashes.

I have seen my soul and I have seen my body, and I am switching the one for the other... I have had an honest conversation about anything I have said and done this year that contributed to my misfortune and repented and wondered and stood amazed and been dazed and confused.

Now its time for clarity... Perfection vision..

Starting to turn the love into myself and with the help of the Almighty.. making things new.

time for 20/20 as it were.

From the inside out...

New Year poem, by Delise ...

I still think of you..

When I retreat to the corners of my memories

half of it desolate ravaged by regret

the other half lush with playful, beautiful memories made

in the middle..

there you are

Your smile, how it twists at the corners when you smile

with boyish wonder in your eyes

you speak with clarity and your words

they bury into ever inch of my soul

You're embedded

you're gone

she is there, holding you

No envy here

I look with love

it was me who walked away

from how you touched my face with a begging pondering

it was you who touched my heart with girlish wonderland

the way you took my hand and look down onto the top of my head

where did you go> Wilderness I need to know

Lush Amazon, burning down

my heart sinks

I hear cries of pain as the earth groans of man's abuse

my memories are the same

today out of the ashes, I can hear my own soul groan

yearn for more

yearn for me

yearn for new

Goodbye my love

goodbye my friend..

Love made me new.

A New Day... A New Start..  A New Me...

I started a new job on June 18th  -  after almost 7 years working with my previous Company. To say the least, this year has been a doozy. I have never been laid off or fired from any job in my life, and it rocked my heart.   I know to some people that does not seem to be that big of a deal. But to me, it was new territory – negotiating fears and emotions I had never felt or had to face before.

I am writing today to just re-introduce myself into the blogging world. Sorry I have been gone. Gone too long.

Please don’t write me off just yet. I am at the cusp of another reinvention and this time, it is even more raw and more honest than it ever has. 

This is how I will begin(again):

June 26^th, 2019

I am Delise. I am 44 Years old. I weigh 130lbs   - which is about 12lbs more than I should. 

I Am proudly South African and Proudly American. I am a race car driver, a warrior of women - ending Girl hate in this world. I am a philanthropist.  I am a Gemini and a true believer in the One True God. 

And I am here today to start a new journey. Intimacy with myself, with my life and a raw unedited version of who I am. Hopefully through it all, you will be able to gain some love and wisdom along to way.

"It is better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid making mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice - with passion and conviction" - Dan Millman

My (Attempted) Review of a Movie:

“Velvet Buzzsaw” – Dan Gilroy (Writer / Director)

This Review is my opinion on the movie and not a recap of it.  In short, it is a Horror Film about the Modern Art world.

Firstly, the movie is enticing because of the A-List ensemble cast. Let’s talk John Malkovich, Rene Russo, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tony Collette.  These are not small timers. Tom Sturridge did a great and weird performance as an eccentric art dealer with an authentic South African accent and earring to boot. (And this coming from a fellow South African – Kudos!) – this got my attention for a few minutes.  However, the characters turn out to be a dark somber collection of bumbling idiots.

John Malkovich has the ability to put a bizarre and creepy twist into any movie and again did not disappoint. I am yet to uncover what his role in the movie is, or the point of his character at all.

Gyllenhaal ofcourse, perfectly over-acted the part of the imperious, impatient bisexual art critic, who is actually just a critic of life and people in general.  It is a good sell though.  I did laugh. Yes, this is marketed as a contemporary Cinema "Nouveau" Horror flick. But the dying scenes were hilarious. Between my drunken hilarity and picking my toenails, I enjoyed the entertainment of the outlandish characters;  as well as my own, personal journey into trying to figure everything out, all-the-while trying to absorb all the perfect and beautifully thought provoking lines given to Gyllenhaal.

He is a master at complex monologue. I will give him that. But my overall feeling about his character was that it was lame.  I didn’t connect. The dialogue was way too fast to really absorb Dan Gilroy’s great writing skill with lines delivered fluently by the amazing talent cast for this movie.  Each time I would try to reach my ear toward the TV to listen to what someone was saying, while mentally absorbing the profound nature of the speech (and trying not to spill my wine), someone would be killed in a bizarre fashion by a painting leaving me "what the F**ing" all over the place.  Pause. 

Rene Russo avoided being remembered too fondly by me. She was meant to be the center of the film as a nefarious hardhearted bitch art -dealer, but I somehow only remember the end – which I won’t giveaway in this review   -->but believe me, you will either piss your pants laughing or just feel annoyed and bored.

I won’t say this is a bad movie at all. In fact, it is quite clever, and Dan is a genius to cast this group.  Other reviews have said it was a waste of a million dollar cast.  I boldly disagree - how else would you get Netflix to buy this shit??

It makes everyone around say "what the fuck” in good and bad ways.  And let's be honest: “A bad review is better than sinking into the great glut of anonymity”.  **That by the way is one of Gyllenhaal's lines from the movie. I had to Google it, because it sped by my ears over his flamboyant nerd glasses and idiotic mumbling.

I would definitely recommend it.  It might scare you, (probably not much) - But it will amuse, confuse and entertain you.  You might get a little chuckle out of it, so do yourself a favor – watch it with wine. A.. LOT.. of wine 😊

Enjoy!

It’s a New Day!!

2018 was rough. But also, really good.

The advent of 2019 has brought a bunch of newness.  It feels like breathing clean air for the first time in ages.

I started unsuccessfully on my clean eating diet.  Well, it was constantly  the same old struggle of night TV time, wine and chocolates. I just did not know how to kick the habit!  I kept telling myself: " I deserve it, after a long, hard day". 

Every… night..  Finally I found something that works for me.

Beside that, I moved back into an office and at first, I thought it was going to be terrible. But it has started off so well. It has been fun and busy to be in the office environment again.  Juggling the kids and their schedules has been interesting (especially this week because my husband has been sick) – But all in all Happy Things!

We are looking for a new house, a new job for my husband. We just want to move our family into a new direction.

I find critique so limiting and emotionally draining – I am trying to clean up my life in every area. I realized a long time ago that without God, we truly cannot change our ways no matter how positive we are.

I did see my Father quit smoking cold turkey after being a smoker for many years and he never went back. Kudos to will-power.  But it never made him a better person. My point is, we can rearrange our habits and still be shitty people.  So I am trying to do both.

Lets talk KETO

People debate this diet constantly. But it just simply works for me! It just does. I have to really be good on it to lose the weight, but I feel SO much better about myself and my life in general.  I am hopeful that the weight will come off successfully after the allotted 28 days.

I went to the ER with my daughter last night. It started off as maybe appendicitis and ended up being constipation. It was an expensive lesson for her. Well for me.. but it helped her realize that you cannot just eat whatever you want and be healthy. It look me about 35 years to realize this and now I am back peddling. But, since we live in the NOW – cant change the past.. I am doing all I can to be healthy now.

So many people say Keto isn’t exactly helathy because I am not eating a bunch of fruit every day and veggies are not free. But I eat more veggies now that I did before – so simple for ME – I am doing better.

It is now day 11 and I have cheated 1 day.. and felt horrible – I am sticking with this way of eating until I see the benefits. Everyday I will get better and better with the science of it all.

I am in the process of applying for a New South African passport, I need to travel home this year and get some t hings figured out!!

Ok that is all from me – boring. But hey – aren’t you glad I am back??? Hahahhahahahha

Slowly saying Goodbye to 2018....

My broken was attracted to your broken, maybe that’s why I allowed you to break me.

This is stuck in my head. Like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my body like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my minds' wilderness yes, you guessed it, hitting repeat.. peat.. peat...

But what is it?

Is it finally saying goodbye to whatever ghosts I am hanging onto. 

I need a serious reinvention. I am weak, stuck and broken.

No one can fix me, but me.

Nothing I have is mine and this is something I cannot get used to. The control freak in me just cannot reconcile this borrowed life I have now.   The life I once had,  I just decided something and did it. I walked in and I walked out when I saw fit.

People used to ask me how dare I think that a girl from a small ugly town in South Africa..can dream of Hollywood and dream big.  How dare I think I can change anyone's world.  But I did. I am. Well... I was...

I don't know how to make sense of this post at this time. Maybe in time, I will be able to fully explain myself.

I have had this poem saved in my Gmail draft folder since 2012...

Grammar

It’s the tiny space between my words to you,
the hesitations that were never there before—
I just can’t find an easy way to say what’s true
and touch this thing that reaches to our core.

The beauty of what’s you I knew when you arrived
in blood and tiny fingers, reaching blindly at it all
for I was father to your joy that you’d survived
and blossomed, one from two, into this flesh to call

your own and grow as I began my fall to here
and you so far more than I’d ever dreamed
rose tall, my dear, which makes it all too clear
to me, if only I can see and hear between

the hesitations, words and nearly endless breaths:
to have joyful births, there must be joyful deaths.

It felt like an awkward sort of destiny had secretly attached itself to me ...

I found this poem one day online as I was just bored and looking for inspiring things to read. When I read it, it reached into my soul and got such a powerful hold over me.  I kept it written down and memorized. I read it over and over for days on end.  Then I tried to source the author. It was months before I discovered who it was...

Later that year, I met the author's son. By pure  and utter happenstance and when our eyes met, our very hearts and souls collided. It was like nothing I had felt before. I wrote about this in the past.  I thought I was just starstruck and I brushed it off. But I dreamed of the way he looked at me for months before we truly found ourselves alone.

How can it not be some sort of sordid destiny to find a poem so obscure, the Author can barely be located,  how can it be a universal random to meet his son and fall in love with him.  How bizarre that he was part of Hollywood and I had longed for Hollywood in some measure since I was 12..   At points, I felt like I was witch hunting and putting serendipity into stupidity..

But - the way he pursued me, with relentlessness made me wonder...

In some ways, I blame myself, in some ways I blame fate.  I was too dam stubborn. I was too dam scared in the end.  And destiny eluded me.

I have moved on.  Truly moved on. My heart is clear.  I don't regret anything. I know some of you will read this the wrong way, whatever - these are just my nocturnal ramblings. My heart feels inside out.  

Now he has finally moved on and it honestly hurts. 

And I don't know why. 

Perhaps it is because the way it ended  - was never an actual end.

We tried so hard for things to begin.. and it was like turning the key to a car engine and it runs for a few seconds then dies and you keep trying and trying and it keeps just keeps failing.  One day it starts and its the best ride of your life and then boom.. stop. Short.. never to go again. 

And you keep wondering, and he keeps wondering. And then one day you realize you have to let go.

We lived in a fantasy through our talks on the phone, our brief meetings in the shadows of both our worlds that just seemed like oil and water..

I lived in constant fear of never feeling good enough for his world, and if there is one thing you should know about me, I do NOT like to feel bad about myself for any reason.


I got over him the feelings and the hopes and inklings a long while back when I gave my heart to another, but I just don't know what this is..

I truly can't explain it.

I am walking around in a Soul Sahara and I keep sinking. 

A part of me thinks it really has nothing to do with him at all, he just happens to be all over the news as my heart feels lost.  It is like when an ex throws their new lover in your face..

Ugh well.. this too .. shall.. pass...  (Read my previous blog - it probably explains why I feel this way hahahahahaha)

I am trying to slowly say goodbye to 2018 and welcome in a New Year and a New Me.

May God be with me.

Thanks for the memories though.

I guess it was never really MY destiny….

Warning:
This blog post is not for the super religious, over enthusiast who would like to judge me while I am  in a down place. Go away!~

I thought a lot about this piece as I have had so much time over the past while to contemplate my life.

I have it made.  In theory. 😊 but...

Let me start from where I am at right now,  and work my way backwards, it will make more sense.

Today, I am a PA to a wealthy, well-accomplished entrepreneur. We are in a weird space. We have no company, or business to speak of... we are starting from scratch and not sure where we are headed. But the money is there, and we are thriving. I love working for him.  I  have great respect and admiration for him and we have built a very strange, yet workable very respectful professional relationship over the past 6 years.  I have no office right now. It has been this way for about 8 months.
 But soon, we will have an office again and then my life will chameleon as it always does.

The work is sporadic. I vacillate between feeling bored at home, to rushing to an Accounting meeting.  Life personally is also in a weird block. We started sharing the kids with their mother. (Oh, yes, she returned) – In any case, we are all settled into a new routine now and trying to let go of the past. It is hard to do without feeling a huge amount of conflict. I fought so hard to preserve their relationship with their mother in her absence - story for another time.. Actually.. that isn't my story to tell...

On the weeks without the kids, I spend my time working out, working, cleaning, preparing for the girls' return.  I also meet up with my Step mom group, do some volunteering and stare at the walls and have naps with my dog!.  But there are days like today when I just feel lost. Bored. Nothing to do. It isn't because I have nothing to do.. it is just this feeling of displacement.

Everyone tells me: “Just enjoy It, because it won’t last forever”. I know this. But  inner feelings of boredom does something to you. It robs you of your motivation and sometimes your self-respect goes out the window. 

Maybe that is why my mother always said: “The Devil finds work for idle hands!”

I digress..................................................

I married a wonderful man. Ordinary, family oriented person who is very passionate about life and his children.  I have honestly never met a more dedicated Father, I am in awe of his awkwardness with 2 beautiful girls, yet he is so comfortable in the role and his daughters admiration and love for their "daddy" Just makes me fall in love with it all...  He is simple, he is complex. Run of the mill lifestyle - but his ideas and his mind transcends convention.

As you all know it has been a 5 year complex and tough journey.   The struggle with the kids’ pain. The juggling of schedules, In laws, the dying of my beloved dog and all that stuff in between which just sent my whole being in a tail spin.  My life has been mayhem. 

When mayhem hits like a hurricane and then one day you wake up and there is suddenly a calm.... It feels... haunting, unsettling  .... wrong almost~ eerie in fact.

What inspired this piece is this whole feeling of displacement, please stay with me.. we are getting there...

I have been very open and honest about just about everything that is me.  It all started in 2006 when I moved to the USA. And my candor was sometimes criticized, But it was still mine. My journey.  I wrote a lot about my life in the limelight and my work with Celebrities.

With that life comes the actors / the people.  I dabbled in it all. I got sucked in willingly and rode the proverbial wave...  It was fun, but I always felt like I had kept my head above water.  I kept my wits about me.  I stayed grounded...

Well, at least i avoided becoming either jaded or deluded...

Today  was trolling the tabloids as one does sometimes (you know, in that bored place) and then I saw it....

This is where I am going with this destiny crap:

All of my Hollywood somethings, turned into nothing. I have no regrets at all. Just thoughts and wanderings in my mind at points. I cherish all that was. My past is a big sculptor of who I am right now.

Not sure why I have to preface everything with a statement of clarity... but that is me I guess..

I love all that is my life. I love my children. I used to think that children take over your life and you are left with no life. But man, they ARE your life and watching them, shaping them and enjoying every bit of seeing a human evolve from child to adult, even with all the admin and struggles.. I can safely say it is THE biggest joy of my heart right now. Yes, I consider them mine. I don't desire nor ever felt like I was their mother, or ever felt the need to replace anyone. I have MY place with them. I am Delise. And when they think of me.. I want them to think of DELISE and who I am to them.. Not a replacement mom of any kind I have added dimensions to their life.. I think I have accomplished being another person who loves and cares for them ... God has blessed me, I am proud of it. I do not shun away from who I am to them.. It is my badge of honor.

Back to Hollywood:

Today I saw an actor & famous sports person - David -  a guy who chatted me up for years.. Gorgeous guy. And oh, he knew it... I was not all that interested in him mostly because he was so into himself, I thought I was too vain to be with someone with whom I would have to compete for beauty points.

And, I felt like most of the times he took me to lunch was to find out what Hollywood connections I have. He pressed me and flirted with me in order to find out more about my Director friends and who I could connect him with. It was quite off putting. He always worked an angle.   Today, the Tabloid was about David and his new woman. And wow she is gorgeous. A Model, an actress, a beauty queen.  I guess he caught his big break and moved out of Arizona... I am happy for him, But It also left me feeling off.

I dated A-listers, B-listers, I even flirted with Z-listers and “nobody’s” at all.

At the height of it all - I thought Jake was the one... Maybe at the time I just hoped..  His relentless pursuit of me often made me think maybe it was destiny for us.. and somehow we will work our way through Hollywood crap, through his scheduling nightmares, through all my hang ups and be just two people.. together...

But it just never happened and in my soul .. you know ...in that deep, dark place where only you and God go... I KNEW I did not have the thick skin you need to have to be in his world.  In many ways I sabotaged my own chances..  He often told me that I kept myself way too far away, way too unavailable. I denied it..

Before I met Robert, I really kept wondering how the universe was going to collide us together.. I was head strong.   I was.. and I wasn't.  Hollywood is enticing. The lifestyle you imagine yourself having is a dream. But the actuality of the situation is that it is a busy game of hide and seek, on again off again, unsure of where you stand most of the time, waiting, waiting. You will never matter as much as they matter to people.. and If you are ok with that  - it is step one.

Step two is - It is competitive. Whether you want to or not, it hurls you into competing with the world, the tabloids, even friends and family...  You don't trust or know who really wants to be your friend for you.. You question everything.. ALL... THE.. TIME...

MOSTLY-  it touches every core of insecurity you have and exposes it, it is ruthless.. and will tear you apart to see what you are made of and for what? Nothing really - just to entertain people.

 Really this is not for the fainthearted. And I was that - fainthearted to my own insecurities about myself.  After all.. I was  "Nobody" and every time I was with Jake, people needed to remind me of who I wasn't whether intentional or not. 

I am kind of feeling sorry for myself today is what it is..

Not for the reasons you might think.  Not about love and Loss of Hollywood.. persay

Just about me.

Back to David,  I look at the women these guys “end up with” and I look at myself now and my struggles with my weight and looks and feel kinda like, I was never gonna be THAT anyway..

I feel like Lady Gaga in that Movie: "A Star is Born" - the ordinary (even ugly) girl. Not even anything remarkable about her looks.. but at least she had a voice. .. I - not so much. I just had my ghetto roots from Eldos.. and a pretty face.

Today I saw the girl with David and I was like. Yep that’s how it is meant to be. I could never really walk the red carpet with these dudes. Not the way I turned out looking.

This is all superficial stuff.

Don’t judge me. I don’t have low self-confidence. I am venting about some things we all feel at one point or another. My weight is such an uphill battle for me.. I have aged a  ton, and from what I used to look like,  I am very homely looking these days. And I am sorry - But I cannot help but feel sad for myself.

A part of me blames my family life. The constant stress I am under as a Step-mom. My work, lack of work, willy-wonker schedule, hormones, thyroid,  All valid points...

I tried to blame so many things.  But in the end…..

I am here because of… me.
I stay here because of... me

I love my life.

I love my job

I love my family

I love being normal and boring

I love having a big old dog and do park runs

But I HATE.. what life has done to my body and face

If anyone out there just wants to get real without any judgement for a minute... I can finally say I no longer feel attractive and I am HAPPY I am not in Hollywood~!  For That very reason.  Well, a few reasons, but I am glad I am not the one the tabloids titled: "Beautiful Celebrities who married ugly people".....

(yes, google it.. it's a real thing)

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

It sucks

Yep! I went there.

Well, I am adding to this post, because today's News is that Jake has a new Model girlfriend. Makes sense. :)