I finally came to a decision about my blog. My website is still in the works, and in all honesty, I decided that I had a lot to say to the world.. Take it, leave it - Love it, hate it. I am not going anywhere.


I recently embarked on a search. I came to Arizona with one goal in mind and no particular plan. I find myself out of work, by choice, as it has always been. I always seem to search for a particular something. And it is not because I am lost; it is not because I have no direction. But, simply, it is because I cannot help but yearn for more in this life. In so many instances my arrival was heralded and my departure prolonged, still, I have often been unseen in who I am and what I do. I can only hope that I am unforgettable in those efforts before I leave this earth. That really is my search.

2009 can definitely be described as my Annus mirabilis. And each year seems to get even more so. I am always on the move, ever changing and ever surprising. Some have accused me of using my constant evolutionary nature as an excuse to not make a finite decision and that I choose to live in a conundrum confusing to people. Laughable!

I have such absolute clarity about my dreams and goals, yet the path seems uncertain. I choose never to be disembodied from my life, but rather to be present and feel all of it. And it certainly is a tough road which I choose..

So the loss..


There are a number of things I have lost over the years

- Friends, love and family
- My hair
-weight (not for long lol)
- Money and position
- Respect

So I am thinking about some of the loss... some of them necessary and some of them I was unable to clutch onto despite all brutal effort on my part.

We all go through life trying never to lose anything we value. And yet, somehow we always do.. I have decided what defines THIS moment in my life, is what I decide will define this moment and what I identify as important. I purpose to have a more intimate dialogue with myself so that when more loss comes.. I can be grounded in this one thing... I am true to who I am. I did not bow to the opinions of people whether they are the masses or the voice of one. I have on many occasions leveled the basic landscape of my life in order to start a fresh all the time. But this year, I nod to the life I have as WELL as the one I want. To transcend all things mediocre and mortal. Draw from my own inner vault of beliefs, convictions and passion.

With all the change that I am always experiencing with circumstance and adventure, I realized - it is a time for a new change - ridding myself of the obsessive receptiveness to people's negative opinion.

The loss for this year.. Losing it.. more like throwing it away..

I inhale, exhale.. Until then, I cannot find that damn I don't give.... :)