Weekend of November 5-7

I have had 2 weekends where it was just me.. relaxing, exercising, eating and visiting churches. Ok pause.

The Church

So I had a car at my disposal for 2 weekends and decided to go try out some churches – it was sorely disappointing. I already knew that Phoenix is a place most people come to retire – especially in the winter because the weather is just amazing out here.  But I didn’t realize that the young people all go into hibernation.  All the churches I visited thus far had sweet ole’ people in walkers handing out hearing devices at the door.  While the messages weren’t all bad, I just cannot see myself listening to a loud, out-of-tune orchestra from the 1800s. I know that sounds shallow and judgmental. I am not knocking the churches.. it just aint for me. I left feeling drained and tired, instead of energized and uplifted.

Money

I have been trying to spend as little money as possible because I got wiped out this year completely. I feel like Julia Roberts in the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” – you know the scene where Ketut tells her she will lose all of her money and then get it all back again –firstly that did NOT happen in the movie! Somehow she got it all back before she even lost anything (typical Hollywood) .. but me, however,.. the tax man, my property and lingering life in South Africa and other unplanned for events have ripped me bare financially.  So, this weekend I decided to just go for a massage despite my disparaging financial situation.  Working 2 jobs clearly isn’t helping me either. Oh well. Its only money!  The massage was disappointing, but it was nice to relax and feel like someone was serving me. LOL narcissistic I know. I just get so tired of working so hard for such little reward – I know you can all sing along to this song, you have been there too!

A few weekends ago I went to Malibu, I love California! I am sure I have said this so many times, it is quite sickening. Ha ha ha. Malibu is different from Orange County in so many ways, yet its unmistakably California.  I got to walk down in Santa Monica again – in the City. The fashion intrigues me so much. Gone are the days of designer outfits for me right now – nevertheless, I just love the energy in CA.. it makes me feel the strongest sense of home.

I was a little sad about my life this weekend. I felt like I was missing a lot of things.. I felt lonely for the first time in my life.. a little lost.. maybe I was just bored, because in the essence of it, I didn’t feel like hanging out with people, either.

What was I saying? LOL. I don’t know..

I don’t know why I am rambling today.  I shared with someone today that I hate my job and that I feel empty and that my life has no purpose (having a Monday pity party) and he asked me what do I REALLY want to do?? I don’t know.. It’s frustratingly not so easily defined in a word or even a few words.. but let me paint you a picture.

I want to wake up in a nice home – preferably with an ocean close by… I want to look at my calendar and see that my day is filled with a lot of variety of activity.  Make a few calls, have breakfast, take a shower and wear something fabulous.  I want to get into my car and at each place, I see myself teaching people how to read, writing letters about injustice to people who can help, fund raising for a cause.  Next stop, go into the communities and talk with young people, counsel and feed them.. help them feel valuable and see that they don’t have to be stuck.  Meet with organizations to arrange some food to be sent to people all around the community… sounds kind of like the Dream Center hey… I just want to be out in the world.. doing something that makes people better and makes the world better. It doesn’t have a job title and sadly, it doesn’t pay my bills.

Then go out at night for a nice meal with a significant other or best friend and talk about our day.  I want to travel the world occasionally and be able to pamper myself.  I want to have enough to help my family in South Africa.  So in short – I want to be free.. to help and make the world better… and I want to share my life with great people who love me and I want to see and experience every piece of this planet.  I also want to indulge in my crazy hobbies that I have :)

So when someone asks “why does your job suck?”.. it’s because it isn’t THIS! I know I have to “pay my dues” – when does THAT end?

So in truth my job doesn’t ACTUALLY suck.. it’s a means to live for right now.. but I need to have more.. do more and be more.. I want to write and teach, counsel and heal and I want to learn, love and have an adventure.

Is that too freaking much to ask?

Ag this blog sucks.